I need a refresh button for my life, and I'm going to be brave enough to click it.
That's a fucking turrible metaphor but whatever. It's been a very long few weeks. I have known for a long time now that Texas is wonderful. But it is not for me right now. I hate being so far away from my family, and not having the money to get home whenever I want. It's not that I can't stand being away from them, it's more that I can't get back to them if need/want be.
FINALLY, fourteen months after I moved to Austin, I got the chance to go home for a late Christmas. It was the most stressful vacation I've ever taken in my life. It was so hard to try to see everyone I needed to see, and then get to spend the time with people I wanted to see. (You know what I'm talking about: duty vs. the self.)
On top of it all, I met someone who has changed my perspective on a lot of things. Naturally, I wanted to spend time with him, which resulted in lack of sleep, and some interesting situations - (oh hey, I want to spend time with you, but I have this family obligation . . . sooo, wanna go to brunch with EIGHTEEN family members?? Oh shit.)
I came back to Austin completely unsettled and unhappy. My plane landed, and my wheels were turning already. Plotting and planning. All of my Zen places are back home, and I decided concretely that it is just not worth it to stay so far away when it's painful to come home, and painful to be so far away. I'm not a masochist, really. Besides that, there are a lot of cool opportunities waiting for me. So, fuck it. I'm going home. (That sounds a little like Steve Urkel: I don't have to take this. I'm going home! Ha!)
Delve a Little Deeper
All right, those are superficial reasons. Here are some more in depth thoughts that I've put in my pipe to smoke. The past 18 months have fucking sucked. For 8 of those months, I waited tables to make enough money to eat and occasionally make a payment. I've NEVER had that problem, and I know what it's like to fall on hard times. Painful. Embarrassing. A major sense of failure. Now, I'm working 2 jobs (thankfully), and have nothing to show for it, except bags under my eyes and a generally bad attitude. Oh, and brain farts from lack of sleep. Always exciting. Pfft.
I don't read anymore, I don't do the things that I'm passionate about. My dog probably thinks I've abandoned him because even when I am home, I'm asleep. I swear, he's plotting how to kill me in his furry brain. He's so cute when he plots. ;)
I'm neglecting my mind, my spirit, my body. I have a gym membership, but when you work as much as I do, the last thing you want to do is exert more energy. Bad idea. Jessie needs to sweat. It gives me think time, and an outlet, and I miss that.
In short, I need to stop. I need to re-focus, re-center. Get grounded, and stop spinning my wheels when I'm so solidly in neutral. Figure out my next moves when I'm not drowning in frustration.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not even funny anymore when I write. That bothers me to no end. I'm working on it. This is a good move, and crazy Jess is just beneath the surface. Nah, she's here. She's just tying up some loose ends.