Effing Red Lobster!!

I never knew Red Lobster could be so funny. Granted, it's the home of mediocre seafood but I'm landlocked in Indiana, so give me a break!

Anyway, my sister and I had dinner at Red Lobster last night. No big deal, average meal. We sat at a table in the packed dining room where a sign over my head read "Flying Fish". Wow! I thought it was interesting. But, continuing on. . . .

To my left sat a woman of average age and average size, eating her snow crab legs. Next to her sat one of the biggest, most obese men I have seen in a long time. I would say he was about 5'9" and 450, busting out of his red, 5X polo shirt and dress pants. The sight of an obese man in Indiana is unremarkable, but he was sitting on an armless office chair, complete with wheels. Interesting, I thought. Did he ask for this chair, or did the hostess just hook him up with it instead of having to embarrass him? (Note: there's a point when you should consider NOT eating a tray full of Red Lobster pasta, and I think this gentleman had passed that point 150 pounds ago. But who am I to judge?)

I had to focus on my own meal, however, and my sister and I ordered. And I casually glanced over every so often at this behemoth in his red polo shirt, but my sister and I never verbalized what we were thinking. (Reminder: my sister and I are both huge bitches. But on the up side, we're both funny as hell.) Midway through our appetizer, after behemoth had decimated his tray full of food, his wife neatly folded her napkin and stood to leave. Out of the corner of my eye, I waited for him to get up as well. And though he did not stand, I was not disappointed.

Behemoth grabbed his two canes and ROLLED BACKWARD OUT OF THE RESTAURANT in his office chair!! He brought his own office chair to the restaurant, and wheeled through two dining areas!

Ang: "Did you - "
Jess: "Don't. I can't even look at you right now."
Ang: "Okay, wait. It'll pass."
Jess: "Ok. Breathe."
Ang: "Nobody else looked! How can that be?!"
Jess: "Breathe in, breathe out."
Ang & Jess: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

Ang: "How do you think that conversation went? 'Honey, I'm gonna just start bringing my own office chair whenever we go out, ok? 'Sure honey, that's a great idea.'"
Jess: "Umm, should I tell them that they actually make wheelchairs?"
Ang: "Nope. It's much funnier this way. But I wonder how that conversation went down. Seriously."

I just don't know, kids. I just don't know.