I'm always seeing about guys. And though I keep cycling through poor sucker after poor sucker, I haven't yet found what I'm looking for. Wait - I'm onto something - I haven't yet found what I'm looking for in many aspects of my life. Ok, in ALL aspects of my life. I love it, and I hate it. I love that I am restless and brave enough to keep searching, and not just able to settle on something less than what I need. Notice I omitted the word want there; I need something more than what I want, which is not exactly a fine line, I think. But anyway, I digress.
The same points I'm proud to have, are also the ones that sometimes keep me up at night, and keep me in a flurry of motion, never landing on anything that enables me to hit my Zen point. Hmm. There's another thought. Which comes first? The Zen or the happiness? Perhaps I should flip the way I approach things, and take on a more Zen-like point of view.
Sidenote: I am in Old Crown Coffee in fort Wayne, and there are 3 super delicious boys to look at. Speaking of digression, it's like a dude buffet. I could sample them all, and still be searching for something, which is exactly my point. Baaah!
My mother reminded me of this fact the other day, and I quote: "By the time I was your age, I was married with two kids." That knot in my stomach came right back with full force because I don't know if I want to have kids. Ever. Marriage sounds nice, but turning away from the sexy dude buffet sounds a little worrisome. My parents' marriage ended twice in divorce. Now my dad is married to another woman, and my mom is still searching. Does that mean I have no hope? What does it mean that my mom sister and I are all without partner? Does it matter at all, in the end? These are all ideals, floating around in free space, and every time I reach up to take hold of the thoughts and wrap my mind around them, they float away, nebulous. Perhaps I am just lost.
But is anyone ever truly found? Is this 'time off' just another way of the fates watch me chase my tail like a squirrel in the park? Much like most people who care to stop and look, and evaluate, I am lost. But kind of happy in the delirium of the nebulous interspacial place of "no idea".
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Upon review, I can't believe I used the word 'truly'. I think it's grossly overused, and I apologize.
ReplyDeleteWhat happened to the fireman?
ReplyDeleteHey!! I like the word "truly." Remember that old song from Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang? "Truly Scrumptous."
ReplyDeleteI don't know why I'm going to relate the following; it doesn't seem particularly relevant, but it's what came to mind.
The other night I caught the end of a PBS documtary on Joan Baez. I love her voice. I turned on the television at a point in which she was remembering her visit to another country (I didn't catch which, but I think it was Russia). A cellist one morning went out into the street and began to play. People gathered and were touched by the music. When he left his chair, she sat and began to sing "Amamzing Grace." A camera was their to record the moment. It caught the peace on her face, the peace on the faces of the people in the crowd.
I wonder if I would ever have the courage to sing "Amazing Grace" on some cold street. I think you would.
It should read, "A camera was THERE to record the moment." Ugh, I can't believe I wrote that.
ReplyDelete