I keep moving around, looking for my place. My space. That place where I can be profound and move people with my words, change the world with my words. How do you dream, when you can't fall asleep? I move and I move and I move, and once I get to where I'm going, I realize that I am still ordinary. I am still small, and am still impactless. I'd like to know if you'd be open to start from scratch. I used to think that I was special, and only I have proved me wrong. I thought I could change the world with a song, but I have ended up in India(na) with no map to guide me home.
What is this feeling that started in the center of my stomach, and radiated out to my heart, and reached into my brain to stir up pain and wanderlust and wondering. I feel pain and uncertainty. Is it so easy to trust in what I feel? If it were then I would have trusted it by now. No wait, that's wrong. I probably wouldn't. I am not a trusting person, especially not in myself. I usually get things wrong in my own life. Go left! Inside, that guttural place, says it, screams it, whispers it in quiet, hopeless desperation. And I go right, defiant. Defiantly seeking, moving, twisting, writhing, running, running, running away, long dress trailing behind my bare feet as I escape, and escape again. Looking for my place, looking for my space. Does it exist? Where do I exist? Do I exist at all? Sometimes I think not - I am a ghost, a filmy, flimsy recreation of what I should be, projected onto the world where I should be. Where do I exist in full color? Am I tangible? What do I reach out to touch, and in touching do I obtain? Obtain what? Mirages, mirror images in a house of mirrors? Reaching, reaching, reaching out into nothingness. What have I obtained by running, running, reaching, reaching?
To Jessie: I'd like to know if you'd be open to giving yourself a second chance?
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No one is ever impactless. You, I think, least of all. We all touch lives we cannot even comprehend, not to mention the ones of which we are aware. You know I am still trying to figure this whole life happiness deal out too, so take this advice for what it is worth...I share your wanderlust, but I think we both need to learn how to stand and stay - and not in defiance, but in peace and contentment. I think that is our challenge. And I think maybe you should focus all that energy inward - move yourself and all the rest will follow. Everyone else already knows you are far from small my dear. You are all kinds of amazing. I hope your day gets better! XO
ReplyDeletePS life is always more interesting when it takes unexpected turns :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gYTHztzzcw
Don't think I could have said it better than Shayla. And WOW to what you wrote. Have you attempted to put it into a form? The poetry is oozing from what you wrote. Having what you wrote in a prose form works, but there are places that would be much stronger with line breaks. Work on this Jesse, you have a great poem here.
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