Thursday, April 1, 2010

I just want to sulk

I put on a dress. I had a shitty day, and he was gone for two weeks, so I came home and put on a dress. I feel fat and emotional, and hate hormones. And I missed him. All day I could have cried, for no reason. Holding back the tears took monumental effort, and so I came home and got ready. He barely said goodbye when he left, and let me know he was leaving when he was packing, and his roommate took him to the airport, even though I was available to do it. I didn't get to drive him to the airport; I don't know that it occurred to him that I wanted to kiss him and tell him to be safe. I have struggled for my adult life to feel special enough to warrant affection, and to let it in. Growing up, I was taught by example that everyone else in the room is more important than I am, and that's followed me for a long time. Usually, I just keep everyone on the surface, but that only works for so long. I was taught to say, 'no I don't need that', or 'no, that's okay, do what makes you happy. Don't worry about me,' which ultimately translates to 'my feelings aren't that important. I'm the cool chick.' I don't know how. I just don't know how to say my thoughts and opinions are just as important - and even worse, I don't know how to believe it myself. And now he's back, and I put on a dress, emotional and fat, and I don't feel overly special. It's not his fault. Maybe I'm oversensitive. But I'm in a dress, alone.