Monday, October 26, 2009

The beauty of not knowing anything

A month ago I was lost.

A week ago I was lost.

Today I am lost.

Today, I'm happily lost, wandering through a sunny autumn park, sipping leisurely on a cup of my favorite FAVORITE coffee. Old Crown's house blend, brewed by Mike on Anthony Blvd. in Fort Wayne. A month ago, if someone would have told me I was at my favorite park in Indiana, sipping on my favorite home brewed coffee, I would have laughed and called them cuckoo. But here I am, and I have a smile on my face. Here's why:

I lost my job, and though it was not entirely unexpected, it was still a kick in the skirt. And I thought to myself, why not take a couple weeks and spend it with family and old friends in Indiana? Then, the company who owes me a few grand, has not paid me. Oh, and unemployment hasn't gone through yet, either. Therefore I am at the mercy of credit. Not a good feeling - so I decided to stay in Indiana through Christmas. Maybe in 8 weeks I'll get my head on straight. Maybe not. Who knows, really?

But as I wandered through frustration and nerves, I realize that all this worry is draining the energy right out of me, and my mind is whirring around without the luxury of getting anywhere; no conclusions are to be had when I'm in this state. And that makes me even more frustrated. But here's the positive:

I opened my eyes to the possibilities that other venues have to offer, and looked around. My sister and I have similar goals (neither of us want to work for other people, and we would like to start our own business), and I would love to work for myself - that way when I don't get paid, it's my fault ; )

Last week I went to Defiance Ohio to visit my friend Rebecca, who recently opened her own shop. She's an artist, and a Jane of all trades, and her beautiful, eclectic shop reflects that. But more importantly, Rebecca has business sense. And if I were working full time at a meaningless job, I wouldn't be able to do what we are doing - I'll be working for her, learning from her how to run a small business, how to make soaps and candles, and possibly even metal work. There's nothing like learning at the hip of a master. And I wouldn't have this blessing in my life if it weren't for losing my job, not getting paid, and therefore being "stuck" in Indiana.

It's a funny little world, isn't it?

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Quick thought

Have you ever laughed so hard you cracked your back? I just did, and it felt great!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Step Away From The TORNADO, continued.

I'm always seeing about guys. And though I keep cycling through poor sucker after poor sucker, I haven't yet found what I'm looking for. Wait - I'm onto something - I haven't yet found what I'm looking for in many aspects of my life. Ok, in ALL aspects of my life. I love it, and I hate it. I love that I am restless and brave enough to keep searching, and not just able to settle on something less than what I need. Notice I omitted the word want there; I need something more than what I want, which is not exactly a fine line, I think. But anyway, I digress.

The same points I'm proud to have, are also the ones that sometimes keep me up at night, and keep me in a flurry of motion, never landing on anything that enables me to hit my Zen point. Hmm. There's another thought. Which comes first? The Zen or the happiness? Perhaps I should flip the way I approach things, and take on a more Zen-like point of view.

Sidenote: I am in Old Crown Coffee in fort Wayne, and there are 3 super delicious boys to look at. Speaking of digression, it's like a dude buffet. I could sample them all, and still be searching for something, which is exactly my point. Baaah!

My mother reminded me of this fact the other day, and I quote: "By the time I was your age, I was married with two kids." That knot in my stomach came right back with full force because I don't know if I want to have kids. Ever. Marriage sounds nice, but turning away from the sexy dude buffet sounds a little worrisome. My parents' marriage ended twice in divorce. Now my dad is married to another woman, and my mom is still searching. Does that mean I have no hope? What does it mean that my mom sister and I are all without partner? Does it matter at all, in the end? These are all ideals, floating around in free space, and every time I reach up to take hold of the thoughts and wrap my mind around them, they float away, nebulous. Perhaps I am just lost.

But is anyone ever truly found? Is this 'time off' just another way of the fates watch me chase my tail like a squirrel in the park? Much like most people who care to stop and look, and evaluate, I am lost. But kind of happy in the delirium of the nebulous interspacial place of "no idea".

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Step Away From The TORNADO

Sometimes I shake my head at myself in bewilderment, and say, "Oh Jessie." That's sometimes all I really can do because, very often, I surprise the hell out of even myself. Let's recap:

I moved to Charlotte on June 1, with the intention to develop "roots" there, insert myself into the community and make that place my home. I worked for a good friend of mine while I interviewed for my dream job - of the Charlotte Jess, anyway - and I landed that job after 6 weeks of interviews. It would have been my highest salary, paid benefits, and a paid-for MBA. So you can see why that would be a dream job? Security and opportunity. Six weeks later, the company I worked for went under.

I am, psychologically, wrecked. So I loaded Foster into my car and headed back to Indiana. For some clarity, and some peace of mind, and of yeah, to see about a guy. To see about some residual feelings that snuck up on me and cuffed me upside the head.


Thursday, October 8, 2009

Deliver Me

Deliver me from confusion.

Deliver me from unemployment.

Deliver me from a job that I hate.

Deliver me from an unfulfilling life.

Deliver to me a man who is fun, silly, smart, and who thinks I rock (because I do).

Deliver to me the sense that no matter what's happening, there's always time to dance, and to make love.

Deliver me from having hate in my heart.

Deliver me from building walls around the best parts of myself.

Deliver me from ever losing my sense of curiosity and imagination.

Deliver me a check for a million dollars.

Deliver me from squandering what I do have.

Deliver me the sense that where I am is where I am supposed to be.

Deliver me peace.

Deliver me wine.

Deliver me fantastic friendships that grow and bloom.

Deliver me a poet's heart, a warrior's skill, and a shrewd investor's mind.

Deliver me from ever losing sight of the beauty in everyday things.

Deliver me the desire to actually eat my 5 veggies per day, and not 5 donuts for breakfast.

And finally, deliver me pizza within 30 minutes.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Difference

Have I only posted 50-something times on this blog? Has it only been since January?

January seems like a lifetime ago - happier, simpler, and I was reaching for something about which I was so certain. Aah, we've hit on something - another mirage? Another house of mirrors named Certainty? Yes. I look back through dusky memories of January, February, March when I was sitting on top of a bubble that would never pop, most certainly. Sitting in a class of 6 or 7 peers, clad in scarves, galoshes, gloves and winter hats.

Mary Ann, a colorful memory of green and purple. A Mardi Gras of life and art and ideas against the fire red of her hair and freckles, her apple-green eyes gently prod, saying 'keep going, keep pushing, keep thinking'. Her color lights up the otherwise drab room like a single firecracker in the night.

Meghann sits calmly, tranquilly sipping hot tea with her scarf bound around her neck, a thoughtful smile dancing on her face. Her eyes miss nothing, though. She reminds me of those Victorian beauties who just exude placidness and wonder. Her mien stands in direct opposition to mine, I think. Maybe that's why I appreciate her so much.

Michelle was so unsure in the beginning, as we all dragged ourselves into the classroom on a snowy, freezing night in January. Michelle's eyes are so much like baby blue lasers that I can't help but to look at them and be mesmerized. She's an optometrist. Figures. She was so unsure in the beginning, and so were "we" I think. A scientist! But then she started to talk, and piece the beauty of the world together in her own way, a way sort of different from my own, but sort of the same, and it was like watching puzzle pieces move themselves into place. Her ideas inspired me to think differently.

Dawn. Dawn was always one step away from greatness, and one step away from teaching all of us. She was the one with the most to balance in her life, I think. so much happening, so much to take care of. I have myself to take care of, and sometimes I even fail at that. The failure to do what Dawn always could and did do is why I am writing this afternoon, I guess. I didn't and don't do it. I sit and ponder, dying to make sense of things, and end up spinning my wheels until I'm so frustrated that I can only sit motionless. Everything has crashed to the ground, and I need to pick up the pieces. I need to move into action, scrape myself up off the ground and dust myself off.

My mind is paralyzed. Motion seems impossible, even painful. So why do I keep thinking of those nights in Mary Ann's class, and of the peers I think so highly of? What's the difference, anyway?

Looking for Something with Kendall Payne

I keep moving around, looking for my place. My space. That place where I can be profound and move people with my words, change the world with my words. How do you dream, when you can't fall asleep? I move and I move and I move, and once I get to where I'm going, I realize that I am still ordinary. I am still small, and am still impactless. I'd like to know if you'd be open to start from scratch. I used to think that I was special, and only I have proved me wrong. I thought I could change the world with a song, but I have ended up in India(na) with no map to guide me home.

What is this feeling that started in the center of my stomach, and radiated out to my heart, and reached into my brain to stir up pain and wanderlust and wondering. I feel pain and uncertainty. Is it so easy to trust in what I feel? If it were then I would have trusted it by now. No wait, that's wrong. I probably wouldn't. I am not a trusting person, especially not in myself. I usually get things wrong in my own life. Go left! Inside, that guttural place, says it, screams it, whispers it in quiet, hopeless desperation. And I go right, defiant. Defiantly seeking, moving, twisting, writhing, running, running, running away, long dress trailing behind my bare feet as I escape, and escape again. Looking for my place, looking for my space. Does it exist? Where do I exist? Do I exist at all? Sometimes I think not - I am a ghost, a filmy, flimsy recreation of what I should be, projected onto the world where I should be. Where do I exist in full color? Am I tangible? What do I reach out to touch, and in touching do I obtain? Obtain what? Mirages, mirror images in a house of mirrors? Reaching, reaching, reaching out into nothingness. What have I obtained by running, running, reaching, reaching?

To Jessie: I'd like to know if you'd be open to giving yourself a second chance?