Friday, November 5, 2010

Coming Into My Own

I am very fond of saying everything comes full circle, always. That gives me incredible peace of mind when things go to shit, and I can't think of one instance where that saying hasn't held true.

Everything comes full circle, ALWAYS. Similarly, (thanks to the Stones for this) you can't always get what you want, but you get what you need.

I got what I thought I needed yesterday, and it came as a letter on my doorstep. I've had a few very long days lately, with working two jobs and filling candle orders in my "spare" time. Yesterday was one of them, and when I got home my ass was dragging almost to the ground. All I wanted to do was catch a nap and make some candles - until I turned the corner and saw a Target bag perched on my doorstep.

Instantly, I knew it was from Bob. How couldn't it be? I had just, not 10 minutes before, praised myself for letting him go out of my heart. Oh sweet Irony, you are an uber bitch.

With mildly trembling hands, I reached down and peeked into the bag. A note on ivory card stock, handwritten, sat on top. Well, this should be interesting.

It was. Everything Bob wrote in the letter was everything I felt & knew in my heart. Bob had in fact, farted himself awake. He freaked out, and scared himself. His letter sounded agonizing, and while part of me appreciated that, the other part felt sorry for him. I know what I'm about, and I know what I want. He had it, but couldn't give it to me. Conversely, Bob thought he knew what he wanted, and either got it and it scared him (think puppy chasing a car - what do you do if you catch the damn thing?); or he thought he knew what I wanted and it scared him.

I went through a few emotions last night, beginning with sadness & tears, shifting into anger (how does he get to come to my house, and just drop something off?), and now into peace and a warm heart toward him.

How?! You might ask, and you are correct in asking.

Bob is human, I am human. Shit happens. He's obviously sorry, and I accept that. We are nothing if we don't move forward and learn. All I want to do is hug Bob, tell him that it's all okay, and that I've been hurt before and will be again. The point is to learn from experience, and bring that into whatever is ahead. I could be bitter and harbor a grudge, but my God that takes so much energy, and he's sorry, and I'm sorry.

It's all good, my friends. It hurts a little still, but I know in my heart that it's all good. I will remain positive for the future, and yes, the door is still open for Bob. He's welcome to walk through it, as a friend, as a potential partner, or just as a casual acquaintance. Either way the wind blows, I'm at peace with it.

I've said what I needed to say, and heard (most of) what I wanted to hear, because after all:

You can't always get what you want.
Everything comes full circle, always.

Choose your ending.