I hate being invisible, and sometimes it's hard for me to understand how the real me cannot be seen when I feel as though I display myself pretty well. Decently, at least. As far as identity crises go, I think that I'm a pretty good candidate for therapy. At least a rudimentary psychoanalysis. Do they give out coupons for that sort of thing? I wonder.
Here's how I've been seen by others lately: "Wow, I didn't know I was so feminine until I met you, Jess."
"You're hot like my other friends."
"You're just so outgoing and crazy - like one of the guys."
"People love you [read: just not me]."
"Gosh, it's so comfortable being around you. You're just like one of the guys."
Am I a ghost? What am I to other people? Why do people assume that 1.) I like/appreciate those comments and 2.) that it doesn't break my heart when I'm not seen for who I am? It does. And I am sort of shocked that it's taken me so long to write about how I feel when someone says the aforementioned things to me. Don't take pity; change how you view me. Open your eyes and realize that I am standing before you.
Listening material: Joshua Kadisson's Invisible Man (There I go with the fucking gender bending, but what do I know? Apparently I'm not feminine enough to be counted as a woman. Therefore, what do I know?)
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First, I'm reading even if I'm not always commenting. So, know that you have an audience. :)
ReplyDeleteSecond, I don't know how anyone could possibly find you invisible. You display an extreme confidence and comfort with yourself. Real or just a defense to keep people from getting too close to you, I don't know. But, I think that a lot of individuals see someone as confident as you are and find it intimidating because they aren't that sure of themselves. They end up feeling inferior and uncomfortable because of it. They realize that they pale by comparison and take a few steps back so they don't have to exist in the shadow of your light.
I certainly wouldn't consider you unfeminine, either. I can see you being able to kick back and be comfortable as one of the boys, but you are obviously all girl. Put on a dress and some heels, flash some cleavage, and knock some sense into those silly boys. :)
I recently read a short piece of work, "How It Feels to Be Colored Me" by Zora Neale Hurston. It dates back to 1928. She writes:
ReplyDelete"I remember the day I become colored. Up to my thirteenth year I lived in the little Negro town of Eatonville, Florida. It is exclusively a colored town. The only white people I knew passed through the twon going to or coming from Orlando...when I was thirteen, I was sent to school in Jacksonville. I left Eatonville...as Zora. When I disembarked from the river-boat at Jacksonville, she was no more. It seemed that I had sufferred a sea change. I was not Zora of Orange County any more, I was not a little colored girl."
When I was roughly nine years old, I became the "wierd" and "quirky" nerd at school. Strange thing is, I never changed. I was the same person I had always been, but my "best friend" did change (and not for the better). It was after she changed that I became "wierd."
I've been wierd ever since. Everywhere I go I am told that I am diffferent, odd, blah, blah, blah. I've heard it so many times, that as i coping mechanism, I try to beat people to the punch. In new situations, I say it first. "Yeah, I'm a bit of a misfit."
This needs to change. I need to stop fulfilling the expectations of others. I need to stop apologizing for who I am. I need to accept and believe that when others call me "wierd" it is a reflection of them, not me.
Wow! What a powerful entry. I may be speaking just for myself here, but my self perspective shifts day-to-day, and sometimes from one moment to the next. Zora's perspective really illustrates to me how little my minor insecurities are in the grand scheme of things, though in the moment they seem so large.
ReplyDeleteYou're not "a bit of a misfit", either. The problem is that some people choose not to see someone if they don't fit the prescribed image. Personally, I like the different cookies ; ) The ones that are a little undercooked or aren't perfect according to the cookie cutter. Be proud of who you are - you, your insight, your depth of thought always amaze me, and help me to realize how wonderful it is to have these conversations!