Today has been a really rough day. I'm just emotionally drained, and my head hurts. Thinking is inevitable, though, and I can't stop it. There are too many options to consider, too much stress lying squarely on my shoulders. I need a decision, and I need something to give. I haven't even given myself permission to write, so everything is bottled up and threatening to explode like those stupid (and AWESOME) volcanoes that kids used to perennially enter into science fairs. Hope springs eternal, I guess.
My frustration is . . . overwhelming. What do I want out of life? I'm at the point where I want some stability, and the thought of a plan. An outline. A fucking flow chart. Something that will tell me where to go, and what I shouldn't waste my time on. My endeavours thus far have been worthwhile (to me, anyway). Most people probably think I'm nuts for doing so many different things, and constantly seeking out new experiences. It's not even really a choice.
I'm driven. I am kind of tired of being driven - I'm ready to drive. No, wait, let's take that metaphor a bit further - I'd even go so far as to say I'm ready to be a passenger. There are many times (becoming more frequent) when I'm envious of the people who know their whole lives exactly what they want, and how they'll go about it. I could use a dose of that right now - but Charles reminded me today that I have a lot of really great options from which to choose.
And for those who know me best, I would hope that they know that I'm not as wishy-washy as I seem. I have seen and done a lot, and life is short. I just don't want to miss anything.
But while I'm busy not missing anything, what am I missing? Isn't there something to be said about direction? I want to find out!
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Direction? Direction, that is such an interesting statement, concept, and/or (redundant it may seem, but there is a differance [yes with an "A"; there is a purpose to that] split many hairs over that) idea, purpose to aim towards; it entails so much inherently, and conceptually. I always took solace in the words of a fellow traveler:"Words are never 'only words'; they matter because they define the contours of what we can do." ,or perhaps"We looked at each other for the last time; nothing is as eloquent as nothing."
ReplyDeleteAs one directionless women speaking to another, I may honestly say, I empathize.
ReplyDeleteBut let me offer some perspective. You have gumption, gumption to go here or go there, gumption to try this job or that, gumption to get on a stage before an audience and drum on African Tribal drums. There are risks that others don't take, there are things they don't see or experience because they have a plan for their life. But you, you take those risks, you see those things, you know those experiences.
Wow... what an honest, emotional post! You say, "My frustration is . . . overwhelming. What do I want out of life? ...I'd even go so far as to say I'm ready to be a passenger."
ReplyDeleteOne of my heroes is Katie Davis, a 21 year old "passenger" who I will be visiting in Uganda later this year. She is no longer behind the steering wheel of her life but is as fulfilled and happy as any person I know. And many, many people are blessed because of who she is and the choices she has made. If you are interested in her inspirational story check it out at www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com.
By the way, my name is Andrew, I live in Perth Australia and I stumbled across your blog this morning because I did a google search on "flying fish" amd "truth love". It's a bit complicated to explain why but I thought I would leave a random post on your blog anyway.
I hope you find what you are missing. My motto in life is seek (really seek, with an open, honest heart) and you WILL find!!.. although what you will find may not look what you thought it would look like.
Andrew - Matt77
You know, I have often caught myself wondering the same things that you have somehow copied from my thoughts and posted on your blog. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat do I want out of life?
Such a big question with no easy answer.
The unequivocal thing to say would be that all of us experiencing the human condition are subject to the same gut-check feeling at times. The common denominator here is that we all seem to be chasing after one thing or another--and often times we really do not know what we're searching for until we get there!
Somehow our endeavors tend to dictate who we become, or is it the other way around? (I have also asked myself this question.)
One thing is for sure: I admire your good-spirited, fearless nature. You are so willing to have and share experiences that it circumvents what most of those "passengers" would call the daily grind; otherwise known as monotony.
~Linds
What do you feel that you have missed? If you have accomplished so much? I feel you are looking for something that you have not yet defined. I read some of your postings and I like your personality... But you seem to be on a hunt for something bigger and beyond your own abilities. Keep up the excellent posts and enjoy lifes every moments...as is evident by what you are doing.
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