Annoyance

I'm like 98% non smoker. But that other 2 percent . . . oh that 2 percent is saved for special occasions, such as drunken stupidity or, like today, when I am in such a shitty mood that I'm not suitable to be around others. No reason, really, except that I'm in a bad mood. Hellacious mood, actually. I sat in class, thoroughly annoyed by the comments people made because I'm thinking to myself, do you not pay ANY attention when the teacher speaks? Good God, she said that same thing last week, and this week it's like some people just had an epiphany. Ugh. So after I left, I drove my new car (cussing like hell at the idiots in traffic) to the nearest gas station, bought a ham sandwich and a pack of smokes. They'll last me about six months, probably. I ate my sandwich in the parking lot, and - shit - I can't work the fucking lighter in my car. Automatically I'm pissed at the salesman who didn't show me how to work the damn thing. Oh well. I whip open my car door and march straight back into the store, plop down a lighter, make some lame joke, plunk down my dollar-seven and walk away.

The smoke stinks, but the taste is satisfying. It's a cold February day, but all four of my windows are down, lest my car reek of smoke when I'm out of this shitty mood. But I like to watch the white-blue smoke of my Camel Lights curl out of my mouth and snake into the sky. It suits my mood. Goddammit. I am angry today. Back into traffic I go, searching in vain for a good song on the radio. I can't take this shit. It's all so sappy. I want something that ROCKS! Stirs my blood, gets my fists pounding on the steering wheel, shakes me out of my mind, rattles my teeth. Nothing. GODDAMMIT! I whip my car into the parking lot at work, all the while thinking to myself, laughing darkly to myself that this is going to be one hell of a night. I can't fucking wait.

Do you know when a person smiles, but their lips curve up and their eyes remain dead? Unmoved, unemotional. That's how I'm smiling today, and that may come as a shock to some of the people in my outer world. Some people say I have a brilliant smile - to some, that's the defining part of my face. Blah blah blah. I'm angry, so my smiles don't count. But, why am I so angry? I try to decipher it myself, but somehow the meaning escapes me, like a fart in a skillet. Haha. That's disgusting. Maybe it's because I have to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation with one of my best friends, to tell him why I have been avoiding him for two months. Other than some face value things (Angela knows this), there has to be some other reason why I can't bring myself to talk to him. I mean, I tell him everything, and have for years. We dated, then we didn't date, then we dated again. Our friendship never suffered, but instead grew stronger because of it. We know each other better now. But now the stakes are higher, and I'm not sure that I can do what he wants me to do. Hell, I'm not sure if he wants it anymore.

I'm annoyed because I don't have any answers. I'm 27 years old, with a full time job, my own place, and working on a master's degree. But I have no answers, and I wish someone would tell me what to do, when to do it. Then I could stop thinking, stop second guessing myself and just live. Fuck. My smoke is done, and now I'm dizzy and wishing I had a toothbrush. I stomp it out the rest of the way, still frustrated, still annoyed. Still wondering who's going to tell me what to do.