Nerves

I think people take for granted that we, as a people, are some nervous bastards. Nervous about life, school, paying the bills, taking a vacation, traffic, taking a vacation in traffic, perhaps. Regardless, nerves in general seem to make us who we are.

I, for example, am nervous about who I am going to become in the future (Aah, that shiny, bright, somehow unobtainable dream world where I plan to be when monkeys fly and everything's perfect). Neither of my parents went to college, and only one of the two have any modicum of creativity, but she doesn't use it because I think she is afraid of putting it out there to be judged, which in her mind equals a failure of some sort. So when my sister and I graduated with out Bachelor's degrees, it was a big deal.

Big deal in my parents' eyes equaled BIG FUTURE. To me, a Bachelor's equaled, big freakin' deal.

That's only a stepping stone at this day in age, right? Don't we need graduate school in order to climb the ladder higher, and to obtain a more competitive job with more prestige and more zeros at the end of our salary? Regardless of the fact that I spend most of my days daydreaming about being a famous writer, I do spend a portion of that other fifty percent of my day dreaming about how to become a thriving member of society. I have this obnoxious duality of personality that leads me to understand that "writing the great American novel" or "becoming a high school English teacher" aren't my only options. Hmm, who knew? Apparently I did.

But then what? See, those nerves are getting on your nerves now, aren't they? This is only a sliver of the ADD-type spew that flies around in my head, sending neurotransmitters firing and flying. The electricity of my brain is probably somewhat amazing. But I don't know. I'm a graduate student in an English program.

I have made the decision to move at the end of the summer to my dream place: Charlotte, North Carolina. Why would I, at the beginning of graduate school, in the prime of my education, decide to up and leave it all? The simple (and yet startingly complex) answer is this: I am nervous as hell. Are you ready for an insight into my life? If not, TURN BACK NOW. If you're brave, hold on and prepare to be amazed (especially if you're a man. Ladies, I think you'll be able to follow me on this.)

I am a gypsy. I like to live in places other than Fort Wayne, and I have lived in Charlotte and Austin, and I loved them both. But without a degree, and a general career/life direction, it's very hard to flourish and live in the life that I want - i.e., have a job I don't despise and have money that I can invest and do fun things. I don't ask for much. Fort Wayne doesn't seem to be a very hospitable environment for the person with an English degree, and frankly, the weather sucks. Currently it's 50 degrees in Charlotte, 72 in Austin, and 8 in Fort Wayne. Do you see what I'm getting at? Other than those reasons, I am 27 years old with a job that pays the bills, and a dog sharing my house. Sure it's peaceful, but not fulfilling. Do I date here in Fort Wayne?

Hell no. You may ask yourself, Why? I'll tell you.

I want someone who lives in a place where I want to spend my time. I don't want to date a native Fort Waynean because men overall like to live here, and die here. Eff that. I want to live in a big city, near water and mountains, that offers a lifestyle and not just obese children who live with obese parents. I'm sorry, but really, have you looked around? I'm sure there are things to do other than eat, but I'm not that creative - I like to be able to walk outside my door and be bombarded with fun things to do. BOMBARDED, I SAY! More on this next week . . . I know there's plenty to rant about, and I'm sure that I'll piss someone off with what I've said, so I'll try to at least acknowledge it next week. ; )