Wednesday, March 25, 2009

deep thoughts. . .

I am holding my breath, and though I've only been under the icy water for a short amount of time, I can feel life's grasp loosening, letting go. Here it is, almost midnight and I'm at work, stressed out after yet another run-in with my idiot neighbor. I had just gotten out of the shower, dripping wet when he came pounding on the door. Imagine that, he didn't like the fact that I was blaring my tiny little stereo. Even though I'm annoyed that he acted so self righteous, I relished the fact that I was vindicated to some tiny degree. Now he knows how I feel. But enough of that.

I am sitting here at work at 11:59 p.m., with a paper due in 12 hours. Have I started it? NO. It's all in my head, yes, but you can't turn in thoughts by pulling them out of air. Unfortunately papers aren't spoken. But every time I begin to get involved with homework and then hit a wall, my mind begins to wander to the big move. At this point it's just a matter of time, but I feel like I'm getting ready to return home after a long absence.

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening
Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there's some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

The meaning of this poem swings from thoughts of suicide (ugh) to my interpretation, and it's a soothing balm for my soul: One can stop, if even for a moment, to appreciate the inherent beauty in things even though he or she struggles to keep from drowning in the day-to-dayness of life. Frost has anticipated my thoughts and soothed my mind by forcing me to realize that A.) I am not alone in my pursuit of sanctity and sanity; and B.) even though I have miles to go before I sleep, I am free at any time to stop and appreciate the beauty of the struggle. That gives me strength. That gives me comfort. I know that I have hurdles to jump and mountains to climb and papers to write before I can finally rest and be at peace, but I also know that I can complete these tasks and be at peace with myself while I do. So while I am holding my breath, lungs screaming for air, somewhere in the back of my mind I realize that I am not just drowning. I'm diving for a rebirth. This insanity of working overtime at odd hours of the day and night, coupled with finishing this semester at school, topped of with planning a move and trying to have some semblance of a life. I know that there is a purpose to all of this nonsense.

It's just a matter of staying awake and not going completely insane before the chrysalis opens and the butterfly emerges.

1 comment:

  1. This is a very moving post. Good luck with everything. It will be moving time before you know it.

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