Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Unbelievable Ramblings

I feel so discombobulated. I never even knew that was really a word that I could apply to myself until this trip to Charlotte. Let's be clear about something: I don't want to go home. If I wasn't enrolled in school, there's not a shot in hell that I would be driving home tomorrow for anything other than gathering my stuff and turning right back around. It's not that I hate Fort Wayne - on the contrary. I have come to love it so much that I fear I'll stay if I don't run now. I'm not down with a lot of the mediocrity that I see there (of course, that has a LOT of qualifiers, and I mean no disrespect. I mean that strictly in the terms of my own life.) I have to get while the getting's good, as the saying goes.

On to new business: the job hunt. The job hunt sucks, and I was so frustrated yesterday, after WALKING OUT of an interview that I slammed my new car into a median. No damage to the car, and after splurging on a 1-hour massage, no damage to myself either. But I am getting discouraged, which sent me into a psychological tailspin that goes a little something like this.

"I have a Bachelor's and I apparently get a job. I'm transferring down here, but teaching part time doesn't pay the bills. Plus that's a helluva student loan tab I'm racking up. I'm almost done with massage therapy school, so I could do that. But that's another year, and I would have my master's by then. But where does that land me? I can't see the forest through the goddamn trees. Fucking trees. Solution: chop the bitches down. No, that doesn't work. Maybe I should get my MLS and be a librarian. I like libraries. Maybe. File that thought away. But for now maybe i should go back to waitressing. Hell no. Retail? UUUUUGHHHH! People suck. They make me angry. Maybe a bookstore wouldn't be so bad, though. Hmm, I'll apply to Borders. But I have a DEGREE!!!! It gets me nothing. Where the hell is my Nexium? I feel an attack coming on."

Umm, that was painful. So what did I do? Nothing. I got a massage, and then I got some Chinese food. And I hibernated. With my computer. Looking for jobs. LOL. I'm incurable, a dog with a bone. A bone that hates me and tries to bite me back. Thus is my current relationship with Charlotte. Or, perhaps with life in general. I have the same problems in Fort Wayne, but they seem less intense there because I've settled into a routine. The routine acts as a shield, hiding the truth from me because I've settled into my own personal ignorant bliss. That realization is painful as well.

I feel like Dorothy at the intersection of Yellow Brick and Yellow Brick. . . and Yellow Brick. All roads lead to something, but I am a little scared to find out, to go on a limb, to take a leap of faith. Were there enough cliches in there for you? I know that what I'm doing is right. I feel it every time I think of it, and every time I come here. I feel like I'm at home, but growth is painful. Finding a job is painful. Deciding which path to take is painful. Does anyone have some advice?

2 comments:

  1. I don't have any advice, but I have sympathy. I was laid off over two years ago, and I'm at a similar point of huge transition in my life. The job market is in the toilet. It is a very difficult time for millions of us right now.

    I just try to do as much as I can today and try not to be afraid of tomorrow.

    Sometimes I can push my fear away, but sometimes I can't.

    Hang in there.

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  2. I've been trying to compose my own "What am I doing with my life?!" blog.

    I want answers, too. All of this adult living has, so far, amounted to work, work, work.

    I desperately need fun. And romance!!!

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