And I have not much to show for this year. It's almost over, and all I can really say is that I hope to seal the end of this year with a kiss, wish it peace in the history books, and look ahead.
My birthday is this month, and I dread it. It's not the 'getting older' part that bothers me. It's the fact that this year was a year of little accomplishment. It was a year of struggling, taking one step forward, and five steps back. It's been a year of emotionally trying relationships, and of reaching out to get your hand smacked.
It's been a year of 'so close, and yet so far'. And today, I feel so far. I've treaded water, and kept my head above it, but other than that I don't have anything to show for myself. My pockets have been turned inside out, as have my heartstrings, and my patience for disingenuous people has disappeared completely.
I ran into people who have fooled me, and who have fooled themselves. They left me feeling empty for a long time, these two types of people. They made me tired, and weary of the people who will walk into my future. I just kept running into them, and it wore me down. I hope they have a better year as well, but it's hard to hope that when those are the people who never change, or better themselves.
This year has been a call. I'm flopping my cards on the table, acknowledging my losses, gathering my belongings, and exiting the table. Perhaps I will find a better game at a better table next year.